Hypothetical situation: Suppose that the ghost of Charles “Old Hoss” Radbourn’s zombie corpse randomly decided to rise from the grave. Don’t be alarmed, he doesn’t want to eat your brains, nor is he bent on world domination and he is not the leader of an evil zombie army. He simply comes up to you:
"I say old chap, I’m Charles Radbourn, but you can call me Old Hoss. Old Hoss used to pitch, but I died quite some time ago. Old Hoss is bored and needs something to do. Old Hoss wants to pitch again, do you know how I would go about signing with a professional baseball club? Direct me to the nearest professional baseball club or I will be forced to challenge you to a duel."
Not wanting to duel a zombie, you direct him to the nearest major league baseball team, and he gets signed. A few days later, you hear that three of said team’s starting pitchers and several coaches have mysteriously disappeared. Suddenly, Old Hoss’s zombie comes up to you again:
"I say old chap, Old Hoss did enjoy pitching yesterday, but that wretched sound that came out of the stadium while Old Hoss was warming up was horrible! Apparently that noise was this person by the name of "Gwen Stefani". Now, Old Hoss has no idea what a "holla-back girl" is, but Old Hoss knows that Old Hoss does not want to be one! Could you please help Old Hoss find more… suitable sounds to warm up to? Silence does not befit a man like Old Hoss. If you do not help Old Hoss, I will be forced to hurl a coconut at your skull. Old Hoss will not miss either. You can ask those accursed aristocrats that tried to tell Old Hoss that he couldn’t start at least four out of every five games, they would know that I cannot miss. Oh wait, you can’t ask those carpetbaggers anything because I hurled coconuts through their skulls and now they are dead."
You start to panic because you can’t think of a good song for Old Hoss to go out to, and having a coconut hurled through your skull would put a damper on your day. Having heard about me, you come find me and ask me to help you with this dilemma. I gladly oblige. Thus begins the blog post.
Charles “Old Hoss” Radbourne, pitcher Buffalo Bisons, Providence Grays, Boston Braves, Boston Beaneaters, and Cincinnati Reds
Song: In order to choose a good song for Old Hoss, one must first learn about him. Here’s his Wikipedia article. To sum it up in one run on sentence, he thinks that all pitchers post-1940 are sissy-pansy-nancy boys because they get to rest more than 2 days between pitching, and he refuses to refer to pitchers who only start once every five games as starting pitchers. As soon as I started researching his legendary 1884 season (678 2/3 innings pitched, won either 59 or 60 of the team’s 84 wins, and started 40 of the team’s last 43 games, winning 36 of those 40 that he started), I immediately thought of one song that would sum up Old Hoss’s pitching: Taking Care Of Business by Bachman Turner Overdrive. And it’s very soft and there’s not any wretched sounds in the song, so Old Hoss would probably like it, or at least not decide to kill me for it. Even if he did, it would be an honor to have a coconut hurled into my head by such a man as Old Hoss Radbourn.
Interpretation: Just as the song goes, Old Hoss Radbourn likes taking care of business (on the mound) every day, and especially working overtime. Don’t worry about girly things like “fatigue” or “Tommy John surgery”, Old Hoss didn’t worry about such petty things in 1884, did he?
Tomorrow: I haven’t done a position player in a while, so tomorrow I’ll do one. I have a few players in mind, but requests are ALWAYS welcome.
If you are interested in learning more about Old Hoss, follow the account dedicated to him on Twitter for his commentary on current events: @OldHossRadbourn.
As usual, I welcome requests, and I try to oblige to as many as I can. Just message me your requests, and I’ll be happy to do them for you.